Something has been on my heart lately and I felt it was necessary to write it down.
As of late I have seen some pretty nasty interactions between military spouses on FB pages. While I know it's not beneficial to put too much stock in these pages, I tend to stay on them because I legitimately enjoy interacting with fellow spouses. I think a lot of great conversations have come up and it's great to see everyone helping each other with something from finding a good Vet in the area to offering help with figuring out insurance.
However, lately it just seems to be getting very dark. I have seen new spouses asking questions that may have been worded awkwardly and get ripped to shreds by others. These new spouses are being made to feel like they are a "dependa" (for the record I ABSOLUTELY hate this term, but it is used in the military community, I find it degrading) because they are asking questions that some find silly. Have I disagreed with someone, absolutely, but I have done so in a respectful way, and if I felt that I couldn't then I would not say anything. We live in a time now where social media has made it easy for people to sit behind a computer and spew hateful things without worrying about how it hurts others.
When Kyle and I got married 8 1/2 years ago had I been treated like some of the women have been lately, I would want nothing to do with this community. I'm not saying that we as spouses need to be coddled but I am saying that being nasty is not necessary. The sad thing is this type of behavior is not just towards new spouses it runs the through the most senior of spouses as well. I just don't understand the need to be angry and hurtful. I wish some would stop and think for a second that words actually do hurt.
We all have come into this life with our own set of challenges and all we are looking for is friendship and common ground. I am grateful for the friendships that I have made in this life and I am thankful for the support without judgment.
It does not cost anything to be nice and it should be something that we all strive for.
Whether its the milspouse community or even in the blogging community, if you have nothing nice to say, don't say it! I really don't understand why people find it necessary to go out of their way to make someone feel bad..? I know insecurity can play into it, but it's just not called for. Yes, be kind to everyone always!
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, that happens all the time, everywhere! I can only imagine what this world would be like without the negativity and judging.
ReplyDeleteAlways be kind! Great post!
You're right and it makes me sad.
DeleteI think the military community in itself has changed, to be honest. 7+ years ago, it was different than it is now.
ReplyDeleteLike with this base in particular, I don't feel a ton of support, but I did at our other two bases. I think it sometimes depends on where the location is.
But I always think about the wives who welcomed me, so I try to show that kind of example to others.
Great reminder! I feel like the negativity is everywhere, but sad that is it compounded with milspouses. Reason number 138 I steer clear, and I don't have a personal Facebook page! But like you said, just be nice or don't say anything.
ReplyDeleteBe nice or be quiet! I never got involved for this exact reason - I don't have time or energy for drama.
ReplyDeleteI try to remind myself this a lot. Positive vibes never hurt
ReplyDeleteThey really don't!
DeleteIt breaks my heart that we have to tell people to be kind and to treat each other like we would want to be treated... I grew up in a military household and I saw some adults that behaved rudely or like "mean girls," but this was before the advent of social media, which I'm sure has been a double-edged sword... Its amazing how much better you feel and they feel when you just practice basic human decency and kindness.
ReplyDeleteRight?! There is nothing more amazing than human decency and treating people with respect.
DeleteGreat reminder. We do not have enough kindness in this world!
ReplyDeleteWhat does "dependa" mean? I've been a military spouse for 13 years and have never heard the term (dependents, yes). I'm not on Facebook, so maybe that is why. It is a shame to see people tear each other down instead of band together. I have always loved being a part of such an amazing community.
ReplyDeleteIt's a ridiculous term that got started a few years ago, this is the definition I found, "A person who is married to someone in the service who doesn't just depend on their spouse for financial support, but pretty much relies on them for it. They start out all cute and All-American until after the wedding, then it's like cookies, couch and coach purses. Arguing with other dependas over Facebook all day over who's the bigger dependa. They're generally not educated and have no goals or aspirations in life. They live their lives through their husband's successes and think they rank and are better than "civilians" when they themselves are in face...still civilians." It's disgusting and people use it in derogatory ways.
DeleteCompletely agree, and I've seen it in other groups as well, especially parenting groups! There's been a handful of instances, but the most recent was when I asked a few questions when I was weaning Savannah from breastfeeding (she was 4.5 months at this time) and got ripped a new one. That was the last straw for me. I'm still a part of these groups, but I rarely interact although I will skim them from time to time to hopefully learn something new or search within the group to see if a question I have has already been answered. I feel like people feel so empowered to be assholes because they can hide behind a computer/phone screen and it's ridiculous. I'd like to see these women say the crap they do to someone's face, haha.
ReplyDeleteIt's ridiculous! Like you said there is no way that someone would say those type of things to someones face.
DeleteAmen!
ReplyDeleteIt makes me sad too. Sometimes I hate asking questions on the FB group for wives here because I'm always afraid that I'm going to get judged by everyone.
ReplyDeleteMy brother in-law is a cop, and my sister is in a few groups for wives of law enforcement, and some of the nasty things people type, that she shows me...I feel so bad for the one asking questions, or who are new to that life. It shouldn't be like that for anyone, anywhere. You're right - always be kind.
ReplyDeleteSocial media has done some good things for society, but it really has made it a lot easier for people to just sit behind a computer and be downright nasty to each other. I've heard that the military spouse network is such a wonderful support system, and it's sad that there are people being so nasty!
ReplyDeleteGirl, I have seen the same. One girl got ripped to shreds because of one question she asked. I couldn't believe the way some people reacted. Military life is hard and it's especially hard when your new (like myself) and don't know how things work. For the most part, the FB page I'm a member of is really helpful, but sometimes I see people being extremely and unnecessarily nasty. I wish that people could just leave well enough alone if they don't have anything nice to say.
ReplyDeletePeople can be so kind. It's strange, in the communities you'd think would be most supportive you often get some really bad offenders. I'm not part of the military community so I can't comment (I also don't know what a dependa is?) but I completely agree, kindness is free and painless so why not??
ReplyDeleteYeah it's everywhere on social media. It is a part of the culture. The slang terms don't really bother me because haha it's better than "you effing bit*h" or "lawyer scum" or you know, "eff you"....which was pretty on the daily in the legal business. You gotta have a thick skin nowadays. It's tough out there on those Twitter/FB/Insta streets!!
ReplyDeleteI agree about having a thick skin but gosh some of the things that are said are just wrong.
DeleteI don't understand why people have to be so mean. Either be nice or don't say anything at all. Hasn't anyone seen Bambi?
ReplyDeleteI completely agree with you! That's what those sites are there for, to get help and ask questions. It's experiences like that, that make them not want to get involved with military events.
ReplyDeleteI don't understand why people feel compelled to be so mean to people they'll never meet. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything.
ReplyDelete