5 1/2 years ago when we experienced our first miscarriage we had no idea just how difficult this journey was going to be. For me, I had known of a few people that had experienced it but never knew all that went into it. We were caught up in the emotion of expecting our first baby so the thought of losing it was never in our mind, then when it happened it was like someone had punched us both in the stomach.
It was a feeling that unless you have experienced you will never know what it is like. I am not saying that to be rude but it's true. The 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th loss were just as painful, at some point there is a numbness that begins to set in. With each loss came a new feeling of fear and the inability to truly enjoy a moment of happiness when that positive test came along.
There was a frustration knowing that my body was not capable of doing what it was meant to do, there was a frustration for Kyle that he could be the reason behind it all. With every new bump in the road there were new challenges. A blocked tube after an ectopic leading to the removal of that tube and starting over again in a new place having to explain several years of medical history.
Throughout this journey we both have been very candid about our experiences, especially me. I want to bring awareness to a very real issue that 1 in 4 women experience. I do not look for sympathy from others, I look for understanding. I want those who are experiencing the joys of pregnancy to understand that I can still be happy for them but still have a jealousy that wishes it was me. I don't want people to feel as though they have to tiptoe around me, I am a big girl I can handle it. I can snuggle sweet babies of friends and family and still feel a tremendous amount of joy.
Our next stop on this journey brings genetic testing in a few weeks, to hopefully finally have that "unexplained" diagnosis removed. With every step of this journey we realize more and more just how lucky we are to have an amazing family and group of friends who support us no matter what. Infertility does not define who I am, but I can assure you that it makes me a hell of a lot stronger. As difficult as this journey has been it has not taken away my ability to be happy.
I urge all of you that if you know someone struggling with similar circumstances, talk to them and listen. I can guarantee you that it will mean the world to them.
Sending love to you and Kyle!!! I just hate that such a beautiful person has to experience such loss and heartache! xoxo
ReplyDeleteI don't think I realized how many losses you have suffered. I am so, so sorry. I have only dealt with one and it was hard enough, but I can say through IF I know how it feels to lose the excitement of a positive test. Honestly, I kept myself distanced from both of my pregnancies until my babies were in my arms because I was fearful. IF did that to me. I am very hopeful that the testing brings you some answers and a new plan to move forward!!
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you've had to deal with this at all, let alone for 5 1/2 years. I know there's nothing I can say to make it better, but just know that you're in my thoughts and prayers. I hope your coming appointment(s) go well and that you guys get some answers so you can better understand what's going on and move forward. I hope so much that you will have a sweet baby of your own! I can't even imagine the heartache you guys have gone through, but I love that you are so candid about everything. Thinking of you, friend!
ReplyDeleteYou and Kyle are always in my prayers! <3
ReplyDeleteThinking about you and hoping all of the testing goes well.
ReplyDeleteI think about you constantly. I know many people who deal with infertility have a hard time seeing other families grow yet you are constantly visiting other family blogs and your strength and kindness shows through.
ReplyDeleteI wish you all the luck in the world.
i am so sorry you are going through this. I can't even imagine the pain you have felt. Thank you for sharing your story with all of us. Pleasee know you and Kyle are in my prayers!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you are going through this. It makes me think of my mom. I can't even imagine trying for 10 years to have a child. Praying for you!!!!
ReplyDeleteYou are such a strong woman and a great role model! I hope that the genetic testing will give you more insight into what's going on.
ReplyDeleteI can't even imagine. I'm so sorry. I've only had one. It turned out to be a blighted ovum.
ReplyDeleteYou are strong and awesome. I can't imagine what it is like to lose a baby. I hope the testing provides some answers so you can move forward on your journey.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. We are having a lot of trouble having a baby currently.
ReplyDeleteMy mom went through similar circumstances to you. I was basically a miracle and she spent 9 months on bed rest to bring me into this world. I hope your journey ends in a little miracle very soon!
I'm hoping that the reason is a simple enough one that is an easy fix. Some of the reasons for unexplained infertility are a little bit harder to deal with when they are finally explained. I never really got a true explanation except that I waited too long to have children.
ReplyDeleteOh Jen! You're such a positive person. I always feel so guilty when it comes to baby related things. Hearing your stories has opened my eyes so much though! You guys are always in my thoughts!
ReplyDeleteSending love and prayers my friend. I'm glad you are able to still experience joy for others. But I can't imagine the pain you feel.
ReplyDeleteYou are one strong woman, Jen, and you and Kyle are an incredibly strong couple, growing closer instead of apart in the face of so much pain and disappointment. I know that one day, it will be your baby you hold and snuggle, no matter how this baby will enter your lives. Hugs to you, and much, much strength to you until then!
ReplyDeleteI hope you start getting some real answers with the genetic testing and you and Kyle get to be parents. You're an amazing aunt and I just know you'll make a good mother.
ReplyDeleteI feel like I've followed your journey for so long now! I'm always amazed at how resilient you are. I hope you get the answers that you need to continue this journey!!
ReplyDeleteWell written, Jen. You two are so strong and I'm glad you wrote this. It has opened my eyes and I hope you two get some answers and peace of mind soon!
ReplyDeletePerfectly spoken! My heart aches for your loss, and recurrent loss. We struggled to get pregnant for almost 2 years. I know your journey has been long and full of emotions that only the two of you fully understand! I am hopeful for some answers for you with the results of the genetic testing soon to come!
ReplyDeleteI have never experienced that kind of loss, so I won't pretend to know what it feels like. I can't imagine. I hope you get some answers soon! hugs!
ReplyDeleteYou have strength beyond measure! If you ever need to vent, chat, whatever, know I am here to listen.
ReplyDeleteYou are so so strong! Your positivity, compassion, and kindness shine through in both your posts and your comments on other blogs. Good luck with the genetic testing. I'm sending hugs, warm thoughts, and prayers your way!
ReplyDeleteYou're so strong, Jen! I hope this next step in your journey brings you some answers <3
ReplyDeleteI immediately thought of you, several other bloggers, and my girlfriend Loni when I found out I was pregnant. I actually text Loni and told her that I was sorry it wasn't her. I know she, nor you, want our apologies or sympathy, but I just didn't know what else to do and that's how I honestly felt. Luckily she knows that I want the absolute best for her and I won't tiptoe around her, I just needed to get the words off my chest. Now she's helping to plan my baby shower and makes me update her on all the fun stuff. I could never understand what y'all go through before, but now I have more empathy when I'm in a constant state of worry that something could happen to CQB. Pregnancy comes with a feeling of extreme helplessness too, so it gives me a small {very small} peak into what you are feeling. It makes me send even stronger thoughts and prayers to all of you, and I hope the best for you too. {{HUGS}}
ReplyDeleteYes to all of this. You are a strong woman because of it and I pray every day for you and Kyle. You will be blessed one day with a child, how that child will become part of your life is in His hands. xoxo friend.
ReplyDeleteI've always admired your strength and transparency. I'm sure you've been a haven to many women who read your words.
ReplyDeletepowerful post - you are incredibly strong and your candidness is admired and appreciated
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