Thursday, March 7, 2013

judgement is an ugly thing

Before I start this let me give you a little background about me.  When I was 21 I got married for the first time. I had been with him for almost 3 years and we married in September 2006. A little over a year later I kicked him out and filed for divorce due to various reasons. I would never wish divorce on anyone because it sucks to go through. I was lucky because I came out better because of it.  Kyle and I started dating in April 2008 and married in June 2008. We have a very good marriage and are extremely happy. He is the polar opposite of my ex-husband.

Now this is where the judgement comes into play. I can't tell you how many times I've gotten weird looks or comments when people find out that I was married before. I am so sick and tired of people thinking that I'm going to hell because I have been divorced. Yes I believe marriage should be forever but sometimes the cards just don't play out right and you can marry the wrong person. I was actually told recently by a person that they couldn't be friends with me because I was a sinner for being divorced. Really?! Who says that? I never did respond to it.

It is amazing that I get judged for a mistake that I made in my past, apparently looking at who I am as a person is not enough. Kyle has even been asked if he is worried that I will divorce him too. I'm just blown away at the level of ugliness that people show. Bottom line is you have no idea what a person has been through in their past so don't judge them for the decisions they make. Life is too short to let things like this bring me down so I'm choosing to be the better person and just move on.

Thanks for letting me vent because I really needed to get this off my chest. I feel much better now. :)


These made me laugh and were both very fitting for this post. Haha.

I'm meeting up with a friend today for a doggy playdate which I think will be good. Thank goodness for gorgeous weather!

I hope you all have a wonderful day.

64 comments:

  1. That is complete and utter bullshit. I've been married before. Nobody wants to get divorced, but it happens. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who said I was a sinner for getting divorced.

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  2. I totally just read this with a raised eyebrow... maybe divorce doesn't faze me because its rampant in my community. My own father is on his third marriage. I don't think I'll ever get married but I'd never stay married and be unhappy - that's just nonsense.

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  3. Anyone that judges someone for their past could be called a sinner too. The people that matter are the ones that would never comment on anything like that so don't let them get in your head.

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  4. Oh my goodness people can be so stupid. That girl that didn't want to be your friend because you are a "sinner", lol. I'm wondering what sins she commits and keeps secret? We all sin even if people don't admit it. By judging and not accepting youI'm sure that doesn't make her a good person! All that really matters is you are a lovely person and you have a lovely marriage now!!!!

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  5. A divorce doesn't make you a sinner or a bad person. It just means you had enough sense to get out of something that was not good for either one of you. I often wonder how many of those people who say you are terrible for getting a divorce are actually happy in their marriages.

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  6. Wow I can't believe anyone, especially a friend, would be so cold about a situation like that. Who are they to judge?? I'm glad you are happy in your current marriage, and like Ashley said, it's not worth staying in a marriage if you are unhappy.

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  7. People are so ignorant. The first time I ever had an experience with divorce is when my SIL filed from my brother and she was an absolute terror to him and spreading rumors during the whole process. Divorce is an ugly thing. But I don't know what eer happened but I'm glad they are both happy. Just because you divorce once doesn't mean you'll divorce again. I'm glad you made the decision to be happy and get out of something you were not happy in. It takes a lot of courage to do that!

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  8. Jen! I know EXACTLY what you are going through. I was married before too. It's not a mistake. You make decisions in life based on the information and feelings you have at the time. No one goes into a marriage hoping that it fails but staying in a relationship that doesn't t make you happy just doesn't make sense. No one has been in your shoes, so no one should be judging you. We all make choices and go through things in life that we may or may not wish we could have done differently, but at the end of the day those experiences make us who we are today. For that reason only, I wouldn't take one single thing back. I learned so much about myself and what I want in life during my first marriage. Marriage is a huge deal to me and you are right…I wouldn't wish divorce on anyone because it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to go through but just because something is hard doesn't mean it's not right…Don't apologize for your life and DO NOT let anyone make you feel bad about your past. The only thing that matters now is the present and your life with Kyle. You guys have a beautiful life. Stupid people and stupid comments just don't matter at the end of the day.

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  9. My mom has been married three times, and she is one of the best people on this entire planet. That's what I think about that. ;)

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  10. I don't believe in divorce either, but I also don't believe in staying in a relationship when you're not happy. My parents divorced when I was 5 and to this day, it still has a an effect in my life. You decided to divorce for your own reasons and it's no one else's business and to why it happened. Don't let people bring you down because they have their own issues at hand. I wish people would use the motto: "If you have nothing nice to say, don't say it at all"

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  11. I just don't get why people feel compelled to share their opinions about your life. So you were married before Kyle? Big deal. It's not like divorce is illegal or unheard of. I'm glad you're in a great relationship now!

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  12. Would you really WANT to be friends with someone like that (they couldn't be friends with you because you were a sinner for being divorced ... um, Hello! We're all sinners in our own ways) anyway? Good thing they opened their mouth and showed their true nature early! I would have told them, "Goodbye and good riddance!"

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    1. I am happy to have it over and done with before she got really crazy. :) Thanks Kristy!

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    2. Exactly! I would rather have an excuse NOT to be friends with her before investing any more time/feelings with a ugly person like that!

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    3. :) That is definitely true!

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  13. Oh my Jen! people can be so rude. who cares. you did what you had to do to better yourself and probably keep yourself safe too. do we not think of that safety part do we? most people do not divorce b/c it is something fun to do. there is a valid reason and/or fear of safety to continue on with that person. it take courage to know that and leave. you did the right thing and have learned from it and have moved on. good for you! you do not need a friend as such and how do those questions come about in conversation anyway? i mean you are married now, why should i then ask you if you have been married before? weird!

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    1. Thank you! She had asked how Kyle and I met...that story goes back 16 years so in all that I mentioned I was married. I shouldn't have to hide things, she just got all sorts of crazy.

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  14. SERIOUSLY? People judge for being married before? That's almost as annoying as people who judge others for using formula instead of breastfeeding. When will this world shift from so much judgement and the 'correct' way to live our lives and just let people be happy?

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    1. I honestly think that some people are not truly happy until they make others feel bad. It's just awful.

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  15. People kill me! My best friend was married young, right out of high school. Her husband then was in the military. Things just didn't work out, at all, after he returned from deployment. She is now remarried to someone else & they have a child together. She still gets questions & looks about this being her second marriage too!

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  16. It's amazing how judgmental some people can be, especially when their own lives are far from "perfect". I've been noticing more and more of it lately and sometimes it just makes my head spin. Good for you for not staying in an unhappy relationship and finding a great life with Kyle!! Have a happy doggy play date :)

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  17. How stupid! Want me to kick some butt for you? I love the saying 'don't judge me because I sin differently from you'. Umm.. hello!?! No one is perfect! This makes me angry too, people really can be stupid!

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  18. If you had been married 50 times, then maybe. But all this judgment for being married once before? That's not okay!

    I'm sure the person who said you were a sinner for getting divorced has their own sins... Maybe they should get that plank out of their eye before they try to get the speck out of others' (Matthew 7:1-5).

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  19. Ridiculous! First of all, where do people get off asking your husband if he's worried you'll divorce him too? I bet he was fighting the urge to punch them in the face. Secondly, I think divorce isn't the answer to a tough marriage; but I think it IS the answer to a bad one. My parents divorced when I was 10 and my sister and I have always thought it was the best thing for our family. We're happier and our parents are happier. I'm glad you're taking the high road...go on and be happy in your happy life and let them stew in theirs.

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  20. You are NOT a bad person. Maybe getting married the first time was a mistake, maybe it wasn't (I'm not making that call) but you're nobody is perfect... not even those people judging you. I'm sure they have things in their past that they're not proud of as well. Don't even waste time being friends with them, they're not worth it.

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  21. I'm sorry to hear that some people have not been understanding of your past relationship. I completely understand about making mistakes and we are ALL sinners so whoever said that really needs to get off of their high horse. I hope you enjoy your doggy play date and that you have a GREAT day!!

    xo

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  22. Some people just always judge others so no one judges them. You do you and if it makes you happy, then that's all that matters!

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  23. I think this totally makes you a stronger person. Sure, a lot of people believe that marriage is FOREVER no matter what. I'm certainly not a proponent of divorce, but I can tell you that my BIL has been cheating on my SIL for years now and actually lives with the other woman. My SIL refuses to divorce him. Divorce is a necessary evil in a lot of cases, I think.

    Also, Scott's been told by others that he and I aren't going to last because we have different interests (as in, I don't like to hunt/fish/camp). People are assholes.

    Enjoy your doggy playdate! (I'll be teaching math or something fun like that...)

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  24. Good for you for sticking up for yourself! Of course we all envision being married forever and living out a happily ever after when we get married, but you're right. Some times things just don't work out. I have seen my mom face a lot of what you described because she is divorced. Her AND I were both better off with the divorce however. Stick to your guns and try not to let close-minded people get to you :) We'll just pray that they never have to experience a divorces and encounter people such as themselves ;)

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    1. Thank you so much! I don't wish divorce on anyone because it truly sucks. :)

      Have a great day!

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  25. Who cares if you were married before? Seriously - the people who are judging you aren't perfect either. Ugh.

    My husband was married before, he was married when I met him and in the process of getting divorced but had to fight with her to get it done. We got married a month after his divorce got finalized (it was a year long process because she fought it so much b/c she wanted her bills paid), and for the MOST part, we couldn't be happier :)

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  26. I can't believe that people react that way to you being a divorced woman-- how ridiculous! I hope your doggie play date cheered you up!

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  27. I liked the pictures. Definitely fitting for this post. I hope you don't let those people get you down. Have fun with those pups!

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  28. Her loss... You don't want people like that in your life and the negativity that comes with it. This is my first time commenting. My husband is in the Black Falcons,our husbands paths might have crossed.

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    1. Oh really?! How long has been in the Black Falcons? Kyle was there March 2008-May 2012. :)

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    2. That's awesome! They might have crossed paths...Kyle was the BN S2

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    3. Adrian is the S3 OPS NCO...I'm sure they did. It's a small world.

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  29. I myself have been divorced before too so I understand quite well the stigma that others are placing on you. Sighs...Ignorant people are annoying.

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  30. Vent away girl! Because stupid people piss me off all the time! That gall of someone to judge you for something they probably know NOTHING about is beyond idiotic and those people should be taken out back and shot! So there!
    People suck ... that is all!

    ¤´¨)
    ¸.•*´
    (¸¤ Lanaya | xoxo
    www.raising-reagan.com


    ¤´¨)
    ¸.•*´
    (¸¤ Lanaya | xoxo
    www.raising-reagan.com

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  31. Ugh, people have no right! Sounds like you have the right attitude though

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  32. People are beyond cruel. Who cares that you have been divorced. I am glad that you have so many positive comments, because it is unreal that this has happened to you. People's perspective on sinning is a joke in and of itself. Sorry you have to deal with silly people. They are not worth having around if they will treat you like that.

    This really makes me angry...all I can think is "who do I need to punch?" Ha ha ha

    Hope you are having a great day!

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  33. I'm so sorry that happened! People are so stupid sometimes! But see it from the positive perspective: this lady definitely did not deserve your time or friendship. And better she tells you right in the beginning so you know her standpoint instead of having her trash-talk you behind your back. It is your life, and you have made your decisions to your advanteage. You are a strong woman, don't let stupid people like that person get to you!

    I had to deal with quite some judgment when I marriend my husband, who was back than a US Army soldier after less than 5 months after we've met. Well, I believe we've showed everyone that indeed we knew what we were doing back then, since as of now, we have nearly 7 years of marriage under our belts.

    Cheers, Stephanie

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    1. You are so sweet, thank you Stephanie! :) Wishing you and your husband many more years of happiness! :)

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  34. Geez, what the hell is wrong with people?! Blurg. Glad you are happy and I wish you many more happy years!
    -Jamie
    ChatterBlossom

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  35. I'm so sorry you have to deal with that. Just stay positive and don't let people get to you. I always use the "kill them with kindness" approach. People are so ugly sometimes! Love those pictures! Lol.

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  36. girl i have been there before, just keep your head up!! and the ecards.... just great!! haha

    xxS

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    1. Thanks lady! :) Haha aren't they awesome?!

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  37. My dear Jen,

    I have been judged by others, in numerous areas, my entire life. Most of the time, I feel that I am judged unjustly. One thing I have found to be true…having spent a lifetime being judged has made me a very strong and independent person, one who does not rely heavily on the approval of others. I always examine and weigh the judgments carefully. When I have decided I am comfortable with my own choices, I care little about the judgments of others.

    We all judge, whether we recognize it or not. Sometimes we are wrong in our judgments. If we are right, but do not speak the truth in love, it is likely to no avail.

    Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.
    1 Corinthians 13:1

    Yes! …all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;
    Romans 3:23

    Jesus Christ said…
    I am come a light into the world, that whosoever believeth on me should not abide in darkness.

    And if any man hear my words, and believe not, I judge him not: for I came not to judge the world, but to save the world.

    He that rejecteth me, and receiveth not my words, hath one that judgeth him: the word that I have spoken, the same shall judge him in the last day.
    John 12:46-48

    God leaves us free to make our own choices, whether or not we will follow His laws.

    This verse gives me much peace…

    Philippians 2:12 tells us…
    Wherefore, my beloved, as ye have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling.

    I don’t have to figure out anyone else’s life, and I don’t need to feel pressured by anyone else’s judgments.

    Much love,
    Hope

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  38. People can be so critical! Just because what you're doing isn't what they would do gives them no right to judge you for it! You look so happy in all your pictures, beautiful couple :)

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    1. Thank you Kym!! :) I appreciate that.

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  39. People are mean and dumb. Bad combo.

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  40. Oh, I so hate that! I don´t think were I am from people care if you have been married before, as it is so common. But I am sure some always judge anyway! Just ignore them!

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  41. Wow, people are dumb! Ignore them. If you're happy it's all that matters. =]

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  42. People can be mean. Life isn't easy. We do what we know best in life and things happen that turn out worse than we expected. Then you move on. Glad you are hanging in there and not letting people get you down. Just pray for strength and wisdom to get through your trials when they come. You have a wonderful life with your dear husband. Hugs and blessings!

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  43. Ya know -- some people really just deserve a swift kick in the arse ;) ;)

    I'm totally NOT calling you a sinner, but my favorite quote is "Don't judge me just because you sin differently than me!" I try to keep that in mind when someone judges me!!

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  44. People can be so rude - I swear, so many people just have no boundaries. Obviously this was not a cakewalk for you to go through, and you came out of it better and stronger. Plus, you and your husband seem super happy. I'll still be your friend any day - divorced or not, you're still awesome.

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  45. Twenty-one is so young. You should be allowed to make mistakes! They make you a better person. Then, you are better for the next, right person, as well as for the family you have together!!

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  46. The bible also says that you should be in a HAPPY marriage for the right reasons, which you weren't before and NOW you are. Tell the judgers not to judge you just because THEY sin differently than you. No one is perfect, so eff them.

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  47. That is ridiculous! What kind of a person would say such a thing! Horrible!

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  48. I hear ya girlfriend...people just don't think or SHOULD think before they open their mouths. Obviously the one girl wasn't that great a friend and it's better to find out now rather than later.
    Hope you're havin' a great week!
    A

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  49. It's unfortunate to see people so narrow minded to think they must defriend you over a mistake from your past. They are truly missing out on a valuable friendship with you. We all sin. No plans to divorce, we only plan to marry and sometimes it just doesn't work out right. People change, times change. Speaking of, I hope those judgemental folks change their way of thinking!

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Love hearing from you!! :)