Friday, March 30, 2018

7 Years

7 years......7 years of not having my Mom on this earth. Tomorrow marks 7 years since my beautiful Mom lost her battle with cancer. Some days it feels like it just happened yesterday and others it feels so long ago. I remember getting that phone call so early in the morning and hearing the words I dreaded hearing for 10 months. I had just seen her 2 days prior and I was alone in North Carolina. Kyle was away training and I was lost. It was the worst feeling I have ever felt. 

I wonder everyday how things would be different if she were still here. I think about how proud she would be of my niece Kylie, she was only 4 when my Mom passed away but they were so close. I think about how much she would love my nephew, Grayson, and his silly personality. My sister was pregnant with him when she died. Then, I think about how thrilled she would be that we were finally blessed with E. 

I think about all of the memories we could have made as a family and then I find myself getting angry because she was taken from us far too soon. It doesn't matter how long it has been because I still see or experience something and go to call her, only to realize I can't. I'm sad that I don't have her here anymore. I'm sad that my daughter will never know her grandma but I will tell E about her so that she knows her in that way. Grief is such a weird thing to deal with, the pain never truly goes away you just learn to cope. 

I know that she would be proud of all of us and all that we have accomplished. I know that she would be so happy for my Dad that he is finally retired and living his life the way he wants to. 

I will continue to honor her in everything I do and be thankful for all of the memories I have of her.  I will continue to try and make her proud.

So I say to all of you, hold your loved ones tight. Tell them you love them and be thankful for the time, however long or short. 

I miss you everyday, Mom. I love you.

17 comments:

  1. Wow, this ripped my heart out, friend. Considering you have this pain and sadness to cope with everyday, you don't talk about it nearly enough on here. I can only imagine what it's like to raise a daughter without your mom around. I think I've told you before that my mom lost her mom to cancer when my mom was probably exact the same age that you were when your mom died. Like you, my mom has one older sister who had two very young children. As an adult, I realize how tremendous hard it must have been (and still be) to raise us without having her mom. Though I cannot fathom what it feels like to lose a mom so young, I know what it's been like to grow up without my grandmother and have watched the sadness that my mom has had to suppress (and sometimes show) throughout my life. I hope you take this weekend to grieve, think about your mom, and do something that makes you smile. I'm so glad you have your sister; What a gift to have someone who totally understands. <3 <3 Big hugs!

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  2. It breaks my heart every single time you talk about your mom! Especially in this season of your life as a new mom yourself. You are such an amazing and strong woman that admire so much, and I know you're making her so proud! I'll be thinking of you and your family this weekend!

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  3. Jen, I will be thinking about you all day today! I am so sorry that E will never get to meet your amazing mom, but you so such an amazing job honoring her. xoxo

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  4. Sending you so many hugs at this hard time. You are a strong beautiful woman and she would be so proud.

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  5. Much love to you on this day and everyday. <3

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  6. I am so incredibly sorry that you have to deal with such a loss. You will do such a great job with E though, telling her all about your mom. I'm so glad you have such a close relationship with your sister too...E won't lack in the maternal love department!

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  7. I lost my father to lung cancer, I don't recall his actual date of death since I was only like 7 at the time. I could look it up but I'd rather not have it as "that day". But when our parents are gone, we still carry their genes and their memories for as long as we live anyways.

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    1. I agree that we will always carry them with us!

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  8. I am soo so sorry. I can't even imagine. I don't know what I would do without the phone calls to my mom. I hate that you have to deal with this loss and that E never got to meet her. I love that you share stories and picture with E.

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  9. I know your mom would be so proud of you!!!

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  10. I cried reading this, simply because I cannot imagine the emotions you must feel. My heart aches for you so sending you a huge hug XOXO

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  11. I totally 'get' this. I feel the same about my gram. :(

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  12. I can't imagine losing my mom so I'm so sorry you had to go through this massive loss. Big hugs and lots of love xx

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Love hearing from you!! :)