Wednesday, February 15, 2017

The "Wars"

Before I got pregnant with E, I knew there were such things as "mommy wars". It wasn't until she was born that I truly understood what that means. I have been blown away by the meanness that comes along with this.

As parents we are tasked with a unique responsibility of taking care of, nurturing, and molding these sweet babies into well-rounded and functioning members of society. The job is hard enough without adding in the constant criticism from others who are in the same boat.  I had no idea just how mean and catty some parents could be and mostly about what would seem like a small thing. I have seen some of the most eye-opening behavior from mothers and while I am not perfect, it blows me away when some will blatantly call out others and tell them what they are doing is wrong.

On multiple occasions I have been asked if Emmy sleeps through the night and every time I have answered honestly (albeit a little hesitant to do so) with a resounding yes and have gotten the same response, "don't tell that to other mothers!". I constantly wonder why, why should I be afraid to answer a question honestly when a question is asked?! It is the most frustrating thing. I cannot help if other babies/kids do not sleep through the night, there is nothing I can do about that. I am eternally grateful that E is a good sleeper but I certainly would not wish a non-sleeping child on others. That just seems cruel. Kyle has even been told the same thing and it just blows my mind. I'm not the type that goes around and tells everyone that she sleeps all night. But you better believe that if I am asked a question, I will answer it honestly.

There are other areas that I see so much tension. The subject of vaccinations, circumcision, breastfeeding/formula feeding, and sleep training are all hot button issues that seems to bring out the worst in people especially mothers. It makes me sad because being a parent is a wonderful gift. Yes it's messy, gross, stressful, frustrating, and sometimes angering but to me it will always be worth it. There has to come a time when parents realize that we are all in the same boat. Putting others down for what they may or may not be doing does not help anything. What other parents do is their business, it has nothing to do with me. I've seen friends of mine ask for advice on parenting sites and they have gotten ripped apart for no reason. It's awful.

I wish all parents could take a step back for a second and realize that we all are doing the best that we can and while it may not be perfect as long as the kids are happy and healthy that's all that matters. We often times put too much stress on ourselves to be perfect and everyone suffers when that happens. I obviously haven't been a parent for very long but in these few short 5 months I have realized a lot. At the end of the day what works for some may not work for others and that's okay! 

Being a parent is difficult enough without trying to compete with other parents. 


32 comments:

  1. I'm not a parent but I love this and I see the "Mommy Wars" all too much on Facebook. I've actually deleted people because of it. The one that gets me the most is breastfeeding because some mothers don't have a choice and for whatever reason can't breastfeed. One of my best friends was one of those people and it really bothered her that she couldn't so any time I saw someone being a jerk about mothers formula feeding and not breastfeeding, I felt like I had to say something because I felt like they were attacking my friend (even though they weren't, not directly).

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  2. Oh the mom wars are alive and kicking! It is so annoying. Everyone is an expert. Everyone knows a better way to do things. Everyone has an opinion. Well, you know what I know? MY OWN KIDS! The reason parents do things differently is because every child is different. All four of mine were different babies, from how they preferred to sleep, what position they felt comfortable nursing in, what diapers they did or did not have a reaction to! Just let a mama live!

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  3. It amazes me how rampant this is. I am not a parent and never will be but I see it all the time and make it a point to try and not criticize the way others live their life, it is not hurting anyone else. Great post and thank you for bringing it up.

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  4. Preach it, sister. Both my kids are great sleepers, but I feel awkward telling other moms about it because I don't want it to seem braggy. The last thing I want to do is throw it in a desperately sleep deprived mom's face. Never be ashamed, though. Us moms have to do what we think best and just support each other through it all. The only thing moms should be looked down on for is neglecting or abusing their kids, and I mean that in the traditional sense. Sleep training or formula feeding is not abuse (contrary to some opinions).

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  5. Oh wow. People are so dramatic and awful. This is why I choose to be alone so much! God knew what he was doing when he made me an only child, lol.

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    1. lol!!!!! It's just crazy all the drama.

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  6. PREACH! I haven't encountered this too much just yet, but I'm not exactly looking forward to it. I have my own opinions and ideas of how I want to raise my kids, but that definitely doesn't mean that others who do things differently are always wrong. As long as someone isn't actually abusing their child, how they raise them is between them and God, and nobody else.

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  7. I'm not a mother, but I don't understand it either! I feel like everybody has their own opinions about raising children, but that's what they are opinions. And one person's opinion doesn't effect how somebody else is raising their children. There's too much negativity in the world to focus on bringing down other mothers.

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  8. It is such a shame that some mothers create so much competition and comparison and judgment!! Everyone should just parent their child the way they feel best, and leave everyone else alone! Ugh! I think it's awesome E sleeps through the night!

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  9. Living on the battlefield for 9 years now. What I have learned is that it takes personal maturity to make choices for our own family while accepting others making different choices for theirs. Some people feel criticized just by the simple fact that other people make different decisions. It's pathetic and sometimes quite sad, but it will help you weeding through the crowd of new mommy friends quickly. If you can, try to eliminate people that are toxic from your lives as soon as possible. As you said, we all need support, not criticism!

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    1. Yes absolutely!!! Thank you for this!

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  10. It's amazing how much drama there is out there

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  11. Argh! Life is hard enough as it is, why can't people help each other out instead of criticizing/judging, etc? I can see how these Mommy Wars happen as it happens in other areas of life.. Rise above it!

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  12. I have two kids. The first was a HORRIBLE sleeper and the second is only "okay-ish". I would never wish my bad sleepers on anyone. Any reaction I have to people saying their kids sleep is just jealousy - don't take it personally.

    That being said - I also get a lot of "if you only did xx your kid would sleep". Which makes me defensive.

    All my sleep deprived brain is trying to say is that you are right - we do the best we can for our kids working with who they are. No one is going to know/care how they got fed, when they slept or when they potty trained when they start school, we'll all just be glad everyone survived. :P

    Lauri

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    1. Every kid is so different that what works for one won't work for another. Haha like you said as long as everyone survives, I'm happy.

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  13. I appreciate you for acknowledging this...I am not yet a mommy, but I am MORTIFIED of how grown women treat each other. It is equivalent to how mean girls are to each other in high school. THank you for being an open minded, optimistic woman.

    XOXO Rachael
    http://aduchessandablog.blogspot.com/

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    1. It really is like mean girls and it's awful! All moms are just doing the best they can.

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  14. Oh, the mommy wars. Everyone always thinks that what they're doing is the best way of doing it. What works for one doesn't always work for all.

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  15. It never seems to end either. Levi is 11 and we are constantly seeing this because he is a little different. I used to let it bother me. Now I let my sarcasm take over and people have learned to not approach me about my children. hahaha

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    1. Haha I'm noticing that my sarcasm is coming out more and more.

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  16. I couldn't agree more. This is honestly one of the things that puts me off parenthood- suddenly your fellow women start judging you left, right and centre and the internet becomes a scary place! But seriously, there are infinite ways of doing things and as long as everyone comes out relatively functional in the end, I call that a win :)

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  17. I've seen it, but I'm way too old to care about it now. People think I'm the grandma, and I'm glad. They cut me more slack that way. :)

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  18. I've heard a lot about this from my mom friends and it still blows me away that anyone would get mad at you that your child sleeps through the night, or that people would be getting into arguments about breastfeeding or formula feeding. Just keep on doing what you're doing and ignore the mean moms!

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  19. I'm obviously not a mom, but I've seen this too much on Facebook as well! Each mom knows what's best for THEIR baby. Not their neighbor, cousin, pediatrician, random stranger, etc etc.

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  20. I am with you! I can't believe how mean people can be if you have a different opinion. I've had people attack me for my parenting choices and I've never understood why. I mean, I'm not raising THEIR kids.

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    1. Yes! It blows my mind. I will never understand why people are so darn nasty.

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  21. We just had this conversation on Twitter! Some people are the worst. Also, be glad E is a girl bc the whole circumcision thing is a shit show.

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  22. I call those judgey moms "sanctimommies" because if you do anything that they don't do, you're doing it wrong. I stay away from them; all they do is bring you down and parenting is hard enough with out others making you feel inadequate!

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  23. I just really don't understand why anyone has to say mean things about someone who fed their baby formula. It really isn't their business. I do have my personal opinions about some things people choose to do or not do with their kids but I would never say it to them! I'm sure people think some of the stuff I do with R is crazy too but who cares?

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  24. It is tough when everyone judges. Everyone has their own way of parenting, and every family has to find their own style.

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  25. It blows my mind people would tell you not to tell them your baby sleeps through the night - I'd just ask you what your magic is! haha

    But yes, mommy wars are the worst. The worst for me has been the breastfeeding / formula issue. SO MUCH JUDGEMENT.

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