Thursday, March 23, 2017

It Never Gets Easier

To be honest I wasn't sure if I was going to write this post but I knew that I would regret it if I didn't. I do my best to not spend a lot of time dwelling on the past but this time of year for me and my family is always one of the most difficult. We are coming up on the 6th anniversary of my Mom's passing (the 31st) and to be honest some days it feels like yesterday and other days it feels like it has been so much longer. I don't think the pain ever really goes away, you just make room for it.

This time 6 years ago I was spending time with my parents at the Cancer Treatment Center of America in Phoenix. 


My Mom was there receiving treatment and I decided to fly in from NC to spend time with her. I had never been to the clinic and I wanted to see where she was spending so much time. It was incredible, the care she received was amazing. 

She did not have a lot of energy during that trip but she wanted to go to IKEA, so we did. We pushed her in her wheelchair and she was happy to just be out and about. We also spent a lot of time on the roof of the clinic enjoying the weather.


I soaked up that time with her and wanted to make the most of it. 


I spent 5 days with her and my Dad, it was so hard to leave but she insisted that she was okay and off to NC I went. Before I left she gave me this, it is one of my most valuable possessions.


A little over 24 hours after I arrived back in NC, I received the phone call that I had been dreading. She was gone. I was absolutely shattered. I had no idea that those 5 days I spent with her were going to be the last. I am so grateful that I was with her but I also feel a tremendous amount of guilt, still to this day. 

My sister was pregnant with my nephew at the time and my niece was only 4 1/2. My Dad lost his wife of 30 years and we lost our Mom. It was such a hard time but I am glad that were able to be together as a family and honor her in the best way we knew how (at the race track).


 I miss her every single day and I wonder how aspects of our lives would be different if she were alive. She loved her family fiercely and did not take crap from anyone (my sister and I certainly got that from her). I know she would be loving on all her grandbabies and having a blast. I hope E (her middle name is Kay just like my Mom) grows up to be tough as nails like her grandma. Everyday I hear a song, see something, or smell something that reminds me of her. I hope I never forget all the things she loved.

I miss you and love you, Mom.



27 comments:

  1. It has been 8 years since Travis' dad passed as well as both of my grandparents who were a huge part of my life. It was one of the roughest years of our lives.

    This is a very touching post. Thank you for sharing!

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    1. Sending lots of hugs your way! <3

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  2. You are such a strong woman and I just know how proud your mom was and still is of you! It is so beautiful to keep her memory alive, even though I know it must be hard. Hang in there girl <3

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    1. Thank you so much, Casey. It means a lot. <3

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  3. It'll be 5 years in April since my grandmother passed and still to this day a few weeks leading up to the anniversary my anxiety starts to ceep up and I can totally relate to this.

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  4. This is such a beautiful post. You and your mom were so lucky to have each other, and I know that she'll be in your heart forever <3

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  5. Hugs <3 Your mom would be so proud of you and so proud of sweet Emmy!!!

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  6. What a wonderful write-up about your mom. It's always evident how much love you have for her when you talk about her on here. I'm so happy for you that you did have that time with her before she passed!! That was one of the richest gifts you or she could have ever known.

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  7. I have a feeling that E is going to grow up to be just like your mom. You will never forget all the things she loved, and I'm sure you will pass those things down to E too. It's pretty incredible that you were able to spend those 5 days with your mom. Thanks for sharing this post. Grief never does get easier but it helps to talk about it.

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  8. This made me tear up. Moms really are the best.
    Sometimes I feel like the cosmic forces in the universe take care of us during grief. You were given E, an incredible gift. She definitely will have the relationship with you that you and your mom had with each other. And your mom will be looking down smiling on you both.

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    1. I agree! Thank you so much for this. <3

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  9. Thinking of you and sending so much love! I know it's tough not to feel guilty, but I'm sure she felt the love from you in those last days you were there.

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  10. I honestly don't think that the pain will ever go away, but you do have a ton of wonderful memories of her and with her that you can share with E so that she knows what an amazing woman her grandmother was. I bet that she ends up being just as wonderful as your was!

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  11. I'm so sorry, your mom sounds like a wonderful woman. I'm glad you were able to spend those five days with her. How special that your daughter shares her name, I'm sure she will have a lot of her great qualities!

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  12. I'm glad you got to spend some time with her before she passed. Sending hugs your way.

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  13. This is making me tear up. Sending hugs your way. I am so glad you didn't know those were the last few days you'd get to spend with her. I can't imagine what the pressure of knowing would have been.

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  14. This is such a beautiful post Jen. And I am so sorry. I don't know if the pain ever really fades. It will be two years next month that Chris' mom passed away from ALS, and it is so hard. She was truly one of my very best friends, and I will never forget having to send that red cross message to Chris and him barely making it in time to say goodbye. Uhh. Sending you a huge hug!

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  15. I remember the last time I saw my father. Nobody told me it would probably be the last time. Sucks big time in retrospect

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  16. Ahhh oh my gosh I cannot stop crying. This is so beautiful and so heartbreaking. I can't even begin to start imagining how hard it is to lose a parent. So many hugs!

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  17. good post of memories of your mom and your post is so well written. I know it's hard to write as I've lost my mom too. Three years this July. I feel bad, looking back, that I didn't spend a bit more time with her at the last. But didn't know when that would be. We never know. So thankful for what our parents taught us and we love them forever in our memories! Hugs!

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  18. This made me tear up. I'm so, so sorry for your loss. I don't really know what to say, but your mom sounds like a great person, and she raised an amazing woman. Sending you lots of love. XOXO.

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  19. I am sorry for your loss. I am glad that you had some fun together during those five days.

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  20. What a beautiful post... No, you're right, the pain doesn't go away, you do make room for it... Your mom sounded amazing and I know that E will get to know her through you... Lot of love, Jen...

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  21. It is a pain that doesn't go away. I am coming up on 13 years since my mom passed away, and I can still clearly recall that day. I am glad you were able to spend those days with her. You will always have those memories of her.

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Love hearing from you!! :)