Before I start this post I just have to say that it took me a long time to decide if I wanted to share this but I knew that I needed to because there are many others suffering in silence.
I am struggling with depression.
This is one part of the infertility journey that they don't tell you about, they don't tell you that you will feel like you are a broken person. I thought I was just sad and then realized it was much more than that, with my educational background I was able to break down my symptoms and realize what it is.
I noticed it a few months ago but over the last several weeks it has gotten progressively worse. More often than not people who are also dealing with infertility with deal with depression as well. I have always given this outward appearance that everything is okay and we are so positive but to be honest it's not always like that. I feel like I am drowning most days and I don't know how to cope. I see pregnancy announcements on social media and all I can think about is why can't that be us, why can't we have a baby, why does this have to be so difficult. I know that people say things such as "things will happen when they are meant to" and "it will happen just relax", statements like that don't help someone who is struggling. I feel like we are getting so close to a solution but it still feels so far away or that it could end in more heartbreak and dealing with that is hard.
I struggle with the simplest things such as getting out of the bed in the morning and going out in public. There are nights when I don't sleep and in the morning I want to pull the covers back over my head and forget about everything going on. I cry for no reason and feel like I am living in a constant fog that I can't get out of. I have to force myself to do the simplest things so that I can feel normal, it's the classic case of perfect on the outside but crumbling on the inside.
Let me be clear that I have never had thoughts about hurting myself, but I am not who I was a few months ago. I finally came clean to Kyle on Tuesday and the rest of my family yesterday because if I can't tell them who can I?! Everyone has been incredibly supportive and it means a lot.
I have decided to seek help from a professional, I know that I need to talk to someone who is not personally involved in the situation. Whether that involves medication or CBT (cognitive-behavioral therapy), I need to figure out what is best for me to feel well.
There should never be a stigma about depression, I am being open and honest in hopes of helping someone else.