Thursday, September 3, 2015

What They Don't Tell You

Before I start this post I just have to say that it took me a long time to decide if I wanted to share this but I knew that I needed to because there are many others suffering in silence. 

I am struggling with depression.

This is one part of the infertility journey that they don't tell you about, they don't tell you that you will feel like you are a broken person. I thought I was just sad and then realized it was much more than that, with my educational background I was able to break down my symptoms and realize what it is.

I noticed it a few months ago but over the last several weeks it has gotten progressively worse. More often than not people who are also dealing with infertility with deal with depression as well. I have always given this outward appearance that everything is okay and we are so positive but to be honest it's not always like that. I feel like I am drowning most days and I don't know how to cope. I see pregnancy announcements on social media and all I can think about is why can't that be us, why can't we have a baby, why does this have to be so difficult. I know that people say things such as "things will happen when they are meant to" and "it will happen just relax", statements like that don't help someone who is struggling. I feel like we are getting so close to a solution but it still feels so far away or that it could end in more heartbreak and dealing with that is hard.

I struggle with the simplest things such as getting out of the bed in the morning and going out in public. There are nights when I don't sleep and in the morning I want to pull the covers back over my head and forget about everything going on. I cry for no reason and feel like I am living in a constant fog that I can't get out of. I have to force myself to do the simplest things so that I can feel normal, it's the classic case of perfect on the outside but crumbling on the inside.

Let me be clear that I have never had thoughts about hurting myself, but I am not who I was a few months ago. I finally came clean to Kyle on Tuesday and the rest of my family yesterday because if I can't tell them who can I?! Everyone has been incredibly supportive and it means a lot.

I have decided to seek help from a professional, I know that I need to talk to someone who is not personally involved in the situation.  Whether that involves medication or CBT (cognitive-behavioral therapy), I need to figure out what is best for me to feel well. 

There should never be a stigma about depression, I am being open and honest in hopes of helping someone else. 




40 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry! I had PPD and sometimes I feel myself slipping back into it. I was on medication and it helped so much. I hope your therapist is able to help you too. I'm always here if you need to talk. ((Hugs))

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  2. My thoughts are with you! I'm not really sure what to say or what words I can offer you, but I think it's great that you're going to talk to someone about it.

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  3. I'm so glad you noticed this about yourself and are getting help! I'm sure that's a tough step to take, but I'm also sure it will help so much! Good for you. :)

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  4. You. are. amazing. Plain and simple! The courage you have the share this is phenomenal! Mental illness should NEVER have a negative stigma, and posts like this bring awareness and hope. I am so sorry you are dealing with infertility. It's truly unfair. I just pray in a few years this is all behind you. Thank you for always sharing so openly with your readers!

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    1. <3 Thank you very much! The support means everything.

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  5. Your honesty and transparency has always been so inspiring. I think it takes a big person to realize when they might need to seek help, and I am so proud of you for that!

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  6. My son suffers from anger and depression and has been seeing a CBT for 3 years now. It has been our saving grace as a family. He is only 10! I hope it helps you as much as it helps you even though the reasons may be different.

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    1. Thank you, I sincerely hope it does!

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  7. Always thinking of you and praying for you guys. Glad you are taking the steps that you know are best for you. xoxo

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  8. Sending you hugs and well wishes. I'll be praying for you too.

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  9. You are such a strong person to share this with us. Please know that this community is always here to help and cheer you on. We love you!

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  10. You truly are so amazing. And I can't imagine anyone being able to be 100% positive in your situation. I think you have handled it all so well, but that doesn't mean that you don't even have a breaking point. Good for you for recognizing the signs and seeking your own help. It takes a big person to do that! I hope that you get the results that you need! So many hugs sent your way friend!!

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  11. I'm so sorry to hear this. I know what you mean about getting down when you see pregnancy announcements or stuff about babies. I feel that way too. Sometimes angry. I hope you start feeling better soon.

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  12. Hugs friend! My thoughts are with you! I've battled with depression on and off for years and find being able to talk to someone who isn't in the middle of everything very helpful. It isn't easy realizing it and having the strength to tell your family and get help. I am glad you have taken that step. I'm here if you ever need anyone.

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  13. Sending you a big hug. I went through a really rough time last winter and seeking professional help was the best thing I ever did! It completely changed my outlook on things and I have faith you will find your true self soon. XOXO

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  14. I can't relate to the infertility aspect, but I can definitely relate to the depression. I went through about 9 month of CBT last fall/winter/spring and I still take my antidepressant and mood stabilizers. Please let me know if you need anything!! Praying for you!!

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  15. HUGS.

    Getting help is the best thing you can do for yourself. Depression is a very serious thing and I wish you all the luck and hugs and internet friend vibes possible. I can totally understand how you feel the way you do. And I wish it wasn't the case for you. I truly do!

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  16. I'm so sorry. You've realized you are depressed, so you can get help. I have no words of advice, just lots of hugs.

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  17. I've admired your positive attitude about your infertility struggles, but I admire you for this post much more. I found telling people I was depressed was the hardest part. Medication worked for me - but I'm sure you'll figure out for yourself what works best. Good luck!!

    Lauri

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  18. Many hugs to you, Jen! I've dealt with major depression for many, many years, was on medication for a while but stopped taking them because I felt as if I was losing a part of what makes me me. Given your infertility struggles, I would have been beyond surprised if you had really been the cheery, upbeat, always positive person you tried to show to the world. I, in your situation, would have crumbled to pieces years ago. I am glad that you have opened up to your loved ones and seek professional help. And I do hope so, so much that the reason for your depression will disappear soon and you and Kyle finally get to hold your precious baby you've been waiting for so long. Keeping you in my thoughts always, dear friend!!

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    1. I appreciate it so much dear friend!

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  19. I'm so sorry you're going through this Jen. As you may know, after my injury I slipped into a deep depression. After almost three years of therapy I'm doing so much better. I truly believe that my therapist saved me. Hugs friend <3.

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  20. I can totally relate! If you need to talk I'm here for you!

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  21. I wish we were friends outside of the internet world. You are truly such a amazing person. I hope things get better and you can smile again from the inside out.
    xoxo

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  22. Ahh lady, you've taken the most important step in reaching out and asking for help. I, too, suffered from depression, but it took me a while to get help. I'm glad I finally did but there always moments when I think I could be falling down the rabbit hole again. It is fantastic that you've taken the first step and I know you have the strength to get through this. Big hugs friend!

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  23. You are so brave for sharing, not just about your depression, but also your infertility journey. I can't even begin to think of what you're going through on a daily basis, but I am always here if you need someone to talk to, just be if you want to cry (I'll probably cry with you) or just yell at. I'm here. im so proud of you for seeking help and telling Kyle and your family. Sending you lots of hugs and prayers your way. xo friend

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  24. Oh my dear. I have been out of the blog loop for quite some time. I am so sorry that you have so much of a heavy burden that is weighing on you. I have said it before but I that they you have to deal with this. I wish so much for you and Kyle to have all of your dears come true. I am so sorry you are hurting. xoxo

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    1. Thank you, Kristina! It really means a lot.

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  25. I'm sorry you're going through this, sweet friend. All of it. I know words can't make it all go away, but I just want to say that you are so strong. You're in my thoughts, sweet friend. BIG HUGS.

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  26. I am so sorry! I have struggled with depression too over the years, and a therapist is super helpful with time! Sometimes it takes a third party who does not know you very well to help you sort out the fog and regain strength & happiness. You will become strong and you will come out on top! Do not loose faith ... even though I know it's SO tough sometimes! I am lifting up prayers for you and sending positive vibes your way my dear!

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  27. Whenever I have struggled with something I can't get on the other side of, I've sought out counseling. And that has been just what I needed. I hope you find a perfect fit with a professional and you are able to decided what your next step will be. I have followed your journey and I can only imagine what you go through in private. I'm glad you have support in your personal life and blogging community.

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  28. My heart hurts for you Jen. This made me tear up. I hope you find a solution that works for you. You absolutely deserve the world and one day I hope you receive it. All my love.

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  29. HUGS! I am glad you are seeking help

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  30. Oh friend, I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. I wouldn't wish depression on my worst enemy, it is so hard to go through. I saw a counselor when I was suffering because I wanted to try to go unmedicated and it helped so very much. I'm sending you love and praying. You are amazing. xoxo

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  31. CBT and DBT helped me during the infertility treatments. Especially coping with each and every loss. I hate to say I know how you feel. Sending you warm hugs and healing thoughts.

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  32. It's taken me forever to get caught up on blogs, but I am so glad I took the time to ready this! I want to reach through the screen and give you a hug! I think we all get caught in the trap of trying to pretend everything is alright when it's the exact opposite and to break that cycle is scary, but I am so glad you are doing so! I am sending out lots of great vibes for you and Kyle and hope you know that your blog family is only an email away!

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Love hearing from you!! :)