Saturday, April 26, 2014

Getting Real

To be honest I have really been struggling as to whether or not I wanted to post this, but I knew it would make me feel better.

Over the last 5 1/2 years that I have been blogging I have talked about my relationship with my family but I have barely discussed my relationship with my in-laws.

Let me start by saying that I love them, I truly do but sometimes I feel that I have to continue to prove myself to them, especially my mother in law and my brother in law. 

Kyle and I have not had an easy 6 years of marriage. Our first year was extremely difficult. We fought a lot, to the point where we almost got divorced. It was awful and I was of the mindset that our personal problems did not need to be aired to anyone in our families. However, he did not feel this way and talked in length to his Mom and brother (and eventually his brothers gf who is now his wife). I was uncomfortable with this because I felt that this tainted their perception of me and I was immediately the outcast. Thankfully he learned from this situation and does not discuss our personal issues anymore. His brother never understood why we got married as quickly as we did, he always questioned if Kyle had done the right thing.

I did my best to fit in and feel as though I belonged. Once his brother got engaged and eventually married (I didn't even get included in the family section of their wedding site) everything changed again. I think my sister-in-law is great but I have never had a close relationship with her, for me it has always been an uncomfortable feeling because she knows some of our issues from the past. My brother in law does not understand why we run or why we announce pregnancies early, he always has an opinion about something and it's frustrating.

Now that my in-laws have their first grandchild I feel that our journey to become parents is not important to them. I have stopped telling my mother-in-law what is going on with treatments because it does not seem to matter to her.

Over the last few years Kyle and I have grown so much as people and in our relationship. Our relationship is the best it has ever been, he is my rock and I don't know what I would do without him. I just wish that my relationship with my in-laws wasn't so difficult. I love them but I just don't feel that it is reciprocated.

I hope that we can fix this and get better. Fingers crossed.

28 comments:

  1. I hope your sharing was therapeutic. I know that when I share on my blog, I find it to be a sense of therapy. :)

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  2. I'm so sorry. I've always envied people who were able (by all appearances) to merge their two families easily without drama. But at least having your family there for the both of you helps a lot.

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  3. That is a frustrating situation! I'm glad you and Kyle are strong together, that's the most important thing!

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  4. I'm so glad you opened up and posted this! I'm sorry about your struggles, but I can relate on some levels. My ex would tell his mom or sister about our arguments, and I definitely believe that changed their perspective (we were together 8 years). My husband is the opposite- he doesn't talk about anything to anyone! As far as the pregnancy announcements- you know how I feel. Announce away! Honestly, sometimes I feel like military life is a blessing because as much as I miss my family, I'm glad to be away...

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  5. I could write a book on my in-laws. I won't though, because they, oddly enough, read my blog. Everything from a crazy adulterous BIL to a MIL who won't let my dog near her house.
    Even Scott agrees: he's never ever allowed to complain about my family after the terrible time we had with his over Christmas lol.
    Many of us are in the same boat, friend! *hugs* I'm glad you and Kyle are on the same page!

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  6. Oh in laws. I can relate to this post and I'm sorry you have to go through that. The biggest issues that comes up between my husband and I are over his parents. It's hard and frustrating. You are not alone in this although that doesn't make it any easier. But all that matters is that you and Kyle learn from it all and just continue to grow stronger and closer tofether

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  7. Marriage and family issues are no fun. Phil and I had disagreements alot as well. I needed to grow up too, which I definitely did when I was in the AF. In-laws were good, so was my family. But my family has issues and we have set boundries with one brother now. I pray you and Kyle just keep eyes on each other and keep growing old together as you race down life's road! Go for it, my friend.

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  8. Aww Jen.. I'm sorry and thanks for sharing!! Hopefully posting did make you feel better. They always say that the first year of marriage can be the hardest... I have my own set of issues with my in-laws and I remember my mom struggling for a while. My mom and grandma are now on really good terms, so I stay hopeful that everything will come around. You're definitely not the only one.

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  9. Ugg! I always think that couples fight, forgive and move on but when you bring other people into the drama about your spouse...they cant let it go because they don't have "make up time". I don't talk about Mike to anyone in my family, only friends and most of the time I might leave stuff out too. I'm sorry that there are issues. Hopefully one of these days they will get over stuff and see what a amazing person you are.

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  10. Ah in laws. Just the other day my dad was at my house helping me clean because mine were coming down and I said to him I'm starting to not care what they think of me. I've had 3 of their grandchildren, I'm not going anywhere. It took a long time for them to accept that C was marrying me and going to stay married to me. Honestly, having a baby made things harder. Now they have even more opinions on what I'm doing with their babies and they think it's funny to say they are going to call cps. It's hard for me because I'm a mom to all boys and I feel the parents of the daughter are generally closer with the baby. I just make mental notes about all the things I will do differently. C and his bro aren't super close and we've had issues with his wife. I could see feeling like they don't care now that they have a grandchild. Maybe you'll have a baby of the opposite sex. Enjoy the time with them not caring! Once you have a kid and they care it might be tough...

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  11. Dear Jen, I love that you are able to open up and talk about "real" deep issues that are close to your heart on your blog. It reminds us that we are all human and struggle with real problems. I am praying for you and hope you and Kyle continue to grow stronger through these tumultous times in your relationship. I hope you have a great weekend. I saw you were going to dye your hair. I bet it looks fabulous!

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  12. I am sorry they are so tough on you. I hear stories about people that have wonderful in laws, and I become envious. My mother-in-law isn't horrible, but I don't think she is the grandmother my children deserve. Hopefully they come around and realize how great you are!

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  13. I am sorry to hear this, maybe time will heal all wounds. I think everyone has some kind of issues with their in-laws at some point. Don't feel alone, hopefully sharing helped a little too. I hope things get better!

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  14. I understand your husband sharing...that's his mom and brother, his confidants in a time that he was struggling. Still and the same, you're right too, it's easy for others to judge and have their perceptions when they're hearing the one side only. It's tricky when it's family, but you're family too. I hope it gets better with time. If it doesn't, I hope you're able to have peace about it.

    I can relate a little. My FIL is great, very genuinely interested and loving to the kids. My MIL is indifferent. It's a shame because the kids love her and grandpa. The older ones know the deal now, but little man will still pull a chair up to the front window to wait for his grandma and grandpa to pull up when they're coming to visit (which isn't often). Grandma doesn't know what she's missing. It used to bother me, a lot, especially for the kids, but now I just genuinely welcome them when they come, and then I go about my own happy life again when they leave. I feel much better about it, not stressing, though nothing's really changed.

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  15. I hope things get better for you. I think most of us have had issues with our in-laws at times. I know I have! It took my husband finally putting his foot down in a very long letter that he wrote to his mom while he was in Afghanistan for things to start to get better. Things still aren't perfect, but they are a lot better than they were before.

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  16. I've experienced something similar in my marriage as well. So glad you and Kyle are standing strong together. Hugs friend <3

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  17. Praying for you. Have you guys ever had a sit down with them where you talk about how you feel and how you can make it better?

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  18. In laws can be tough!! It can def affect a relationship. I hope it all improves SOON! Glad he quit talking to them about things!

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  19. I'm sorry things are so tough with your in-laws. I hope that they can eventually see what a blessing you are to their family and accept you. I know it's difficult for all parties for parents not to accept the significant other. It seems to make everything more stressful.

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  20. Ugh, this sucks!!! In laws can be tough. I have some difficulty with mine too. My husband also tends to air our issues with them and it damages things. I do know that I am a good person, good wife who cares for them just like you!!! If they cant see what a great person you are I feel bad for them!!! BTW, all of my responses to your comments on my blog are getting kicked back:( Have you gotten any? Im sorry if you havent gotten any! I ndo read and respond to all of your sweet words!

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  21. I hear ya. I don't get along with my mother in law at all. She was mean, rude, and a very angry lady at the whole freaking world. Then here I come taking her only son that she raised by herself away from her. I guess it doesn't help that the hubs doesn't have a great relationship with her either. But I am not that wife that calls her on the phone. I do not invite her over to dinner... becuase in the past she has gone out of her way several times to embarass me in front of other friends and family members. Unfortunatley, I still hold that grudge to this day. I know I shouldn't but I let her get away with being so mean to me when we were first dating that I just can't let it go. She has made very little effort to make up, but has yet to say sorry of any of which she has caused harm to me. It's sad but sometimes, not everyone gets along and it is something we just have to deal with. I keep my distance as to not ruffle any other feathers and keep things on common ground. Now with this baby, her first grandchild ever, it's going to be trying for me to keep a relationship open, but with many boundaries.

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  22. I'm sorry you struggle with this! It is never any fun to have to try to fit into a family and them not making it easy is not fun either. Focus on you and your awesome husband and dont let anyone get between that!

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  23. Sending you love, hugs and positive thoughts <3

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  24. I think a lot of people struggle with fitting in with in-laws! I wish they weren't so hard on your guys. You are human too and you all share common ground of loving your husband! You just focus on you and your marriage, that's what is important. =]

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  25. Gosh, Jen. That's a tough spot! I am very blessed with my in-laws, but it would take days to discuss all of my own family's drama. I'm sending you lots of prayers on this, because I've definitely been in a similar situation in the past, and it is not an easy one.

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  26. Ugh that in-law relationship sure is a tricky one. Hopefully it improves soon, I can't imagine anyone not loving you to pieces!

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Love hearing from you!! :)