5 1/2 years ago when we experienced our first miscarriage we had no idea just how difficult this journey was going to be. For me, I had known of a few people that had experienced it but never knew all that went into it. We were caught up in the emotion of expecting our first baby so the thought of losing it was never in our mind, then when it happened it was like someone had punched us both in the stomach.
It was a feeling that unless you have experienced you will never know what it is like. I am not saying that to be rude but it's true. The 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th loss were just as painful, at some point there is a numbness that begins to set in. With each loss came a new feeling of fear and the inability to truly enjoy a moment of happiness when that positive test came along.
There was a frustration knowing that my body was not capable of doing what it was meant to do, there was a frustration for Kyle that he could be the reason behind it all. With every new bump in the road there were new challenges. A blocked tube after an ectopic leading to the removal of that tube and starting over again in a new place having to explain several years of medical history.
Throughout this journey we both have been very candid about our experiences, especially me. I want to bring awareness to a very real issue that 1 in 4 women experience. I do not look for sympathy from others, I look for understanding. I want those who are experiencing the joys of pregnancy to understand that I can still be happy for them but still have a jealousy that wishes it was me. I don't want people to feel as though they have to tiptoe around me, I am a big girl I can handle it. I can snuggle sweet babies of friends and family and still feel a tremendous amount of joy.
Our next stop on this journey brings genetic testing in a few weeks, to hopefully finally have that "unexplained" diagnosis removed. With every step of this journey we realize more and more just how lucky we are to have an amazing family and group of friends who support us no matter what. Infertility does not define who I am, but I can assure you that it makes me a hell of a lot stronger. As difficult as this journey has been it has not taken away my ability to be happy.
I urge all of you that if you know someone struggling with similar circumstances, talk to them and listen. I can guarantee you that it will mean the world to them.